When I started haunting the cabin, having regular talks with Annibale, he tried, slowly but consistently, to teach me new ways to look at things. A belief system is like a wall, in which every brick is linked to the others. Therefore, if you want to tear down the wall, you can’t start from the basis, this layer is untouchable. You need to start from the last bricks erected and then go on to the earlier ones. My mind is wondering back to that particular time of my life and what I can see is us: talking, laughing, smiling but also disagreeing and discussing sometimes, because there was a part of me that was reticent. It didn’t want to accept the new way.
What made Annibale’s words so unconditionally indisputable was his disarming logic. I was desperately trying to convince him (or maybe myself) that all his theories were wrong – but he was always able to find a way to silence me.
It used to be a huge problem of mine: the fear to be true. When you have insecurities it’s hard to open yourself to others for fear they may not like you. So you hide who you really are and you start to be someone else: you become what others want you to be. Obviously I wasn’t insightful enough to realize that I was living that way.
So one day Anni told me:
You can find help in the simplicity of logic. Having the strength to change means to start looking at yourself from another point of view. If you observe yourself through the eyes of the mind, you are always a mess! But if you think of yourself as an observer, helped by the Spirit, you comprehend yourself a bit more every day. Being an observer means that you stop complaining, stop judging and slowly enter into harmony with yourself. Harmony is not based in the mind, it is the language of the heart. It means speaking through the love of your own being. By acting this way, the events that are forming the present in your life will modify, so that things will start going your way.
Thoughts burn time, burn the soul. Time scatters because it doesn’t find space. Space needs to be filled with time, it has to be colored. Sometimes I see dark colors in people’s spaces, they are fragments of traumas they had in their lives. This dark color needs to be recognized and you have to tell it:
“I don’t like this (color) anymore! So now I take it off and move towards my own path.”
So you move on, knowing you have made the right choice. It’s no longer necessary to walk around asking confirmation of anyone, like your family, your boyfriend or anybody else. Because when you make the right choice, you enter into the reality of things.
When you are scared
You are so scared to be true. Why? Why do you constantly cheat on yourself? Which risk do you take if you decide to be true? Maybe people which don’t like the way you are, will leave you? Oh! But this is a blessing.
The obstacles need to be faced. Face the people you love. Tell them what’s in your heart. Do it without approval. Do it without the fear of damaging them or giving them pain. Because when you are sincere, you can’t cause pain, but instead will give comprehension!
If you start acting that way, not only will you change, but so will the people you love, because they see the change in you and, moved by this, they will change, too. Your love makes this happen.
My dear friend Roberto Buscaioli says:
“What you do for love, is always beyond good and evil.”
What’s the real good and what’s the real evil?
I have no answer for that, because everyone needs to find their own truth. There are a few Universal truths, but all others are different because we are all different. I have my truth, you have yours. Everyone builds their truth by the experience they have made. By the thoughts they harbour. By the actions they perform. Only you can find the right truth for yourself.
I would like to say goodbye to you by sharing this poem, which was written by Dali (this is my personal version translated from Italian):
I’ve known humans’ love and it was possessive.
I’ve known their friendship and it was abuse.
I’ve known their help and it was humiliation.
I’ve known their compassion and it was condescension.
I’ve known human protection but it had an ulterior motive.
I’ve known their justice but it was partial.
I’ve known their straightforwardness but it was brutal.
I’ve known their honesty but it was appearance.
I’ve known human’s faith but it was a prison.
I’ve known their philosophy and it was ash.
I’ve known their science and it was blindness.
I’ve known their company but it didn’t fulfill me.
I’ve known this all
and in being disturbed by it
I realize I am not dead at myself.