It is very important to understand that what I am writing about is not the reality of Morocco. The reality of Morocco is what you will experience when you go there. I felt as I did because I was heavily burdened with different feelings that I didn’t process in a healthy way. I ask you to read my stories as a self-discovery journey, not as a travel log for Morocco with do’s and don’t’s.
(from: Man-Made Chaos)
After arriving home (at the hostel), I was still shaking so I drank some water, opened my laptop and started writing down the feelings of frustration about myself.
I am so scared, it is ridiculous. I am extremely anxious; I go out on the street and when I see myself walking on the small streets filled with venders of meat, fruits, olives, shampoo, and all the other things you can think about buying, my heart feels as if it is going to jump out of my chest. Every sound startles me, I get defensive when a man is showing something to his friend because I think he is going to attack me. It is ridiculous.
I am annoyed with myself because I am so scared. I could just go out there, what is the worst that can happen? They will steal something from me, and that’s it.
My problem is that I am not sure whether the police will be of any help if something negative does actually happen; I don’t know how the people around would react since I am a white girl… I don’t know if they would just not react, or if they would maybe help me. Anyway, I am not willing to take any chances.
I am also quite upset, because I do not want to live and travel like this. I don’t want to constantly be afraid of what might happen. If I don’t take any risks, how will I live my life?? I don’t like this way of being extremely protective of myself. I want to live safely and healthily, but if I continue like this, I will not gain much experience in this life. Just always being comfortable, always taking the safest track, not testing the walls of my own mind.
Maybe I feel like this also because I feel it is time for me to settle down, and regain my strength, my thoughts, and collect myself. I have visited so many places and I have seen and experienced so much. Now I just need time to understand all of this – to take from all the experiences I want to keep in my heart, and shape myself a little better. I feel as if I am an entity made of colors, faces, people, countries, but I am not a well-defined shape.
I need to collect all those things that are floating around in my mind and soul. I want to be more sure of myself. I have no idea how to do that, but I want to try something out.
I feel like I am in my head so much that it affects my whole day. I still don’t feel ok about going out alone anymore today. Tomorrow I will confront my fears and the thoughts I have had as they have prevented me from enjoying this experience to the full. I don’t want to do it today. Today I want to feel these things I am experiencing, to understand myself, and understand why and how I reached this stage where I feel like this. I do not want to let myself be led by these negative emotions. I want to start with a blank page and write on it, I do not want to start with a page fully written, and then comment on what I thought was true and not true.
I will go and I will confront my fears.
I do not know how it is until I experience it, right?
With these things said, I calmed down a little. After about half an hour, the boy from the reception came and asked me for the money to pay for my accommodation. His boss was there and was asking for an explanation as to why the money had not yet been paid. There was nothing I could do this time, I had to go out, I was still scared, but not as much as in the morning. Luckily, there were a few boys who were going out to eat. I went out with them and asked them about their experiences in Morocco.
We walked together for about ten minutes, after which they told me which direction I should go and they left. I was already feeling more confident and relaxed.
It was so silly, but it made me feel so good! After I had money, I stopped at a fruit stall on my way back, and since I was very hungry, I bought amazing delicious fruit for my dinner, some extra sweet baklava and went back to the hostel.
When I arrived, I felt so stupidly proud of myself even though the step that I had taken was a small one! But it was a step in the right direction, it was me under construction, like every other day, but this one was a bit more intense than the others. It was most certainly not a great accomplishment in my life, but at the same time, it meant the world that day. It was one part of myself I was knowingly shaping.